Quips and Jabs — 2003-2004

An unorganized collection of wry humor, short comments on politics, jabs at commercials, predictions, et cetera. This page is always being , with new entries at the beginning. There is no table of contents.

Not everything here is original with me. Those items that are marked with © are original, and I own the copyright. Those items that indicate contributed by might not be original creations of the contributors.

I have a new reason to hate shopping: the proliferation of "self-checkout" stands in stores in place of human checkers at registers. I have seen them in Home Depot and Albertson's, where they want me to do the work that paid employees should be doing — not merely scanning the bar codes on merchandise and collecting my money but also pricing items that don't have bar codes, such as a single S-hook or three loose onions. If I'm doing the work of their employees, I should be getting an employee discount. Hah!

At Home Depot, I was told they have to use self-checkout stands because they can't hire enough checkers to operate their registers. Home Depot is not WalMart. If they paid a decent wage, they could hire enough checkers.

I hate shopping for clothes! But I last bought shirts about two years ago, and my shirts are now beginning to look quite worn. So shopping became necessary.

One major problem is that — dress shirts or sports shirts — I only wear short-sleeved shirts. I went to J. C. Penney, Robinsons-May, and Macy's. They only have long-sleeved shirts. They told me that, since this is mid-November, they only carry fall and winter styles. Short-sleeved shirts are for spring and summer.

Poppycock!

• This is southern California. On the day I went shopping (just a week before Thanksgiving), the weather was clear, sunny, and mild. The high temperature was 73°F near the store and a degree higher at my house.
• Yes, the night-time temperatures have been in the 40s and 50s this week. But my house has central heating.
• And for those who suggest that long sleeves are more appropriate for the office, I'm retired! I don't go to the office.

In Nigeria, two women were recently convicted of having unmarried sex and were sentenced to death by stoning. Criminal charges and sentences were levied in accord with Islamic law (Sharia), which has been adopted in several predominantly Moslem states in the northern parts of Nigeria.

The men with whom the convicted women supposedly had sex were both acquitted for lack of evidence. Does no one in Nigeria see anything wrong with this paradox?

Source: Los Angeles Times, 13 October 2004

In the current election campaign, President Bush accuses Senator Kerry of repeatedly changing his position on various issues. Just remember, it's President Bush who repeatedly changes his justification for going to war against Iraq.

In the first presidential debate of the campaign, Kerry said that the United States had the right to take preemptive action abroad if it

Bush criticizes this by claiming

But there was no real danger from Iraq when Bush started his adventure there. Contrary to Bush's assertion that Kerry would give other nations a veto over our ability to defend ourselves, Kerry merely wants us to have strong justification when the U.S. takes unilateral action against another nation, much stronger than the ever-changing justifications offered by Bush.

Among the many breakfast cereals distributed by Post is Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds. As required by law, the ingredients are listed (in very small print) on the box with the most abundant ingredient first.

Ingredients: Corn, whole wheat, sugar, rolled oats, almonds, brown sugar, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, rice flour, rice, wheat flour, malted barley flour, salt, corn syrup, whey, malted corn and barley syrup, honey, cinnamon, artificial flavor, caramel color, natural flavor, annatto extract.

Notice that oats are listed fourth! There is more sugar than oats. And there are four sweeteners each more abundant than honey. Perhaps this product should be called Sugared Bunches of Corn Flakes.

And it doesn't taste that great.

By the way, Quaker's Toasted Oatmeal (Honey Nut style) lists Whole grain rolled oats first, as its most abundant ingredient. This is the cereal I really wanted, but local markets have stopped carrying it.

At a bank, I understand why, if I make a withdrawal from an account or cash a check, I have to show some identification. Of course, these transactions require my signature.

Today, however, I merely made a simple deposit with no cash back. I still had to show my driver's license as identification. The teller even wrote my license number on the deposit slip. Then I had to sign the bank's copy of the deposit receipt.

Why?

Unisys recently sent a mailer to all its retirees, announcing the company is switching the processing of retirement benefits from one outsource service to another.

But elsewhere in the brochure, I read:

As a Unisys retiree, the only services in which I am interested have been the monthly annuity itself and its electronic deposit directly into my checking account. I am not at all interested in any of the listed new resources and tools, but I was very interested in receiving confirmations that my monthly deposit was indeed made. The only enhancement that I will see from this change will be the elimination of a service.

For what I really think of Unisys, see my Retired.

In her opening statement to the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice described the United States as "a country that had not been attacked on its territory in a major way in almost 200 years".

Let's ignore the fact that the British burned Washington, DC; that was indeed almost 200 years ago. Within my lifetime, Hawaii — part of the U.S. since 1898 — was attacked by the Japanese Navy, launching the U.S. participation into World War II. I may be old, but I'm not yet near 100 years old let alone 200.

The world is outraged! A heinous crime was committed! Troops of the Israeli military targeted and killed Sheik Ahmed Yassin, founder and head of Hamas.

Where was the outrage, however, when terrorist troops of Sheik Yassin killed hundreds of Israeli civilians? Hypocrisy!

In response to demands our nation's leaders, schools across the U.S. rely entirely on "abstinance education" when teaching their students about sex. Here is the result …

Because of the constipated morality of our President and his party in Congress, a whole generation is now at risk of serious illness and even death.

I really like English muffins — plain, sourdough, raisin, whole wheat. I like them with butter (or margarine) and either marmalade or preserves (grapefruit marmalade is very good). I also like them as a sandwich with just a slice of cheese, heated and melted in the microwave.

What I don't like is the way English muffins are "fork split". This is an abomination! You can't just pull them apart without tearing, leaving at least half useless for anything. And hard as you try, you can't slice them right on the split.

Why can't English muffins be sold sliced all the way through? Or what's wrong with selling them completely whole, allowing me to slice them the way I would slice a bagel?

Interesting that the company does not attribute any part of its loss to the fact that it paid its top four officers $8,600,000, almost 40% of its loss.

Evelyn (my wife) and I went to Trader Joe's for some grocery shopping. I really like that store!

Since this was substituting for Evelyn's weekly grocery shopping, she paid. At the checkout stand, she wrote a check. The clerk then asked for her ID.

Immediately, I quipped, "She can't give you her ID. She's in the witness protection program. … No, actually she's a victim of identity theft. They stole her ID, and now has no ID."

According to Evelyn, Trader Joe's is just one more place she can't take me.

I am sometimes criticized for characterizing Republicans as the borrow-and-spend party. Republican defenders claim their party really favors cutting budgets and that only Democrats like to spend the taxpayers' hard-earned money.

I must agree with their reference to the taxpayers' hard-earned money. With repeated tax cuts for the wealthy, those of us who contribute the vast majority of federal revenues through taxes do indeed have to work hard for our money, much harder than the executives who are reaping most of the tax-cut reward. Those who inherit their money — and thus do not work for it at all — will soon pay no taxes at all on their windfall.

However, the lie behind the claim that Republicans are budget cutters is seen in the omnibus budget bill for 2004, which was approved by the House of Representatives. Republicans put so much pork-barrel spending into that bill that pigs should feel insulted.

In the meantime, the combination of tax-cuts and wild spending is causing explosive growth in the federal deficit. This means the government must borrow by issuing bonds. Thus, the Republicans are indeed on a borrow-and-spend binge.

It is now "open enrollment" time at my wife's employer. This is the time when employees can change their health benefits for 2004. So that employees can make informed decisions about their benefits, my wife's employer distributed a brochure that outlines changes in its benefit plans.

In a box on the front page, the brochure states [emphasis added]:

… we think it's also important to care for our employees. We work hard to provide a comprehensive, competitive benefits package. Over the last year, most medical plans have experienced premium increases of 15%-25%. In an effort to minimize employee costs, we have implemented … an 8% rate increase on the Co-Pay Plan [my wife's chosen plan] …

Buried in the brochure, however, I noticed that our co-payment for a doctor's office visit is increasing by 50%. Minimize employee costs??

On Sunday, 1 November 2003, the Most Reverend Frank Griswold, presiding Bishop of the U.S. Episcopal Church, consecrated the Reverend Canon V. Gene Robinson as Bishop of New Hampshire. Bishop Robinson is gay and has been living in a committed relationship with another man for 11 years.

The world did not end!
God did not destroy New Hampshire!

The consecration — approved by the churches of New Hampshire and then authorized by the governing body of the U.S. Episcopal Church — has been condemned by some as being against Church teachings. Opponents decry the fact that Bishop Robinson is physically intimate with someone without them being married. However, those same persons would not allow the couple to marry.

Why am I — a heterosexual man — concerned? See Why Do I Care?

One of my favorite TV shows is ER. It's the favorite of many others, too, which makes the commercial breaks during the show very important. However, some of those commercial breaks are wasted.

During a recent new episode, I saw four automobile commercials, each for a different manufacturer, all during the same mid-hour break. The combined effect is that I now know how much fun driving is supposed to be. But the identities of the advertised cars completely escape me.

If I were a marketing executive at Ford, GM, Toyota, or any other automobile manufacturer, I would yank my commercials from any TV station that could not guarantee that no competing automobile would be advertised within 15 minutes before or after mine.

Oh, by the way, driving is not fun! Not driving is indeed fun. Since I retired and stopped commuting, I saw my blood pressure drop from 130/85 (with medication) to 110/65 (without medication).

About 35 years ago, California survived a governor who was an actor without any prior government service. We can do it again. At least this time, he can't run for President.

My wife and I are turning the second bedroom of our home (the largest after our master bedroom) into a guest room. We bought a nice queen-size bed, linens, and a blanket.

Now we are having a problem finding a bedspread. In department stores and bedding shops, there are aisles and aisles of comforters. Then, there are duvets to cover the comforters and throws to cover the duvets — layer upon layer of cloth and filling, fluffy, warm, and heavy. But only a tiny section of one shelf has light-weight bedspreads.

Give me a large break!! We live in southern California, not Duluth, Buffalo, Fargo, or Saskatoon (where our daughter moved, leaving this bedroom available). In 30 years, we have seen snow three times; and it never lasted a full day.

On top of that, we have central heating in our house. The bedrooms are on the second floor. Even if we set the thermostat to 60°F on the first floor, warm air rises and keeps the bedrooms comfortable.

We don't need a bed towering with comforters and coverlets to keep warm. We only want a bedspread that my wife all alone (without wrenching her back) can place neatly on the bed to make it look nice.

In the wake of the Great Blackout of 2003, officials in the Bush Administration suggested we could prevent future blackouts if we had more deregulation of electric utilities along with higher electric rates. According to their reasoning, this would make utilities more attractive as investments and allow the companies to obtain more capital to use for upgrading the power grid.

Get real! There is no profit for a company in improving the reliability of the grid, especially when other companies and municipally-owned utilities own part of the system. Less regulation and higher rates would only enrich the utility executives, who would find cutting corners and neglecting maintenance to be very rewarding.

We need more regulation of electric utilities — not less — to force the companies to make unprofitable expenditures for upgrading inter-company systems. And we need to make the utility owners — the stockholders — share in those costs and not place the entire burden on the customers. After all, the stockholders elected the executives who allowed the grid to reach its current unreliable state.

I was on my way to work, driving through Malibu on the Pacific Coast Highway (two lanes in each direction). The pickup truck immediately behind me changed lanes six times while I did not change even once. As we left Malibu, he was still behind me.

The question is not Why is there road rage? The question is Why not road rage?

However, anyone so familiar with Mexican culture that he appreciates the difference between the Sonoran and Yucatan styles of cooking should also know that the Yucatan Penensula is on the Atlantic coast, separating the Caribbean Sea from the Gulf of Mexico, while La Paz is a city in Baja California on the Pacific coast, facing the Sea of Cortez.

One of my many cousins forwarded an E-mail message to me with the following, trying to make a point about the high price of gasoline.

But who buys 10-15 gallons of iced tea, Pepto Bismol, or Scope every week? The high prices of other liquids really provides little solace to someone who has no real alternative — no public transit — for commuting to work.

Actually, I'm not so interested in the price of gasoline because my car is a Diesel. I get about 46 miles to the gallon, and (when this was written) a gallon is about 20¢-25¢ cheaper than gasoline.

An interesting comparison involves the prices of Coca-Cola versus beer. The beer is cheaper! That's right, it costs less to become a gassy alcoholic than a hyped-up diabetic.

When you have an "I HATE MY JOB DAY" try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into very comfortable clothing, such as a track suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now, take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement. "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud 5 times, "I am so glad I do not work for Quality Control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."

Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

Contributed by my son,
who did not originate it.